Good and Evil

I have decided after much thought to create a blog as a way to share our life story with you, our friends and family.

These past few months have been a roller-coaster of emotions for J. and I. In June, we decided that we were ready to be parents, J. had been looking forward to this day since the day we met he will tell you. But of course being the planner that I am, I was able to convince J. that we should wait a few years before trying so that we could continue to build on our relationship and new marriage (enjoying the alone time now) and also financially prepare for bringing a little one into this world. To be honest, the decision itself is a scary one to make, so many questions swim around in your head when considering to have a child. Are we ready? Can we afford this? What are we going to do about childcare? Naturally I shared these concerns with J. and thankfully to my surprise he was okay with waiting!

So two years came and left, boy how fast time flies by when you're an adult. I remember years feeling like eternity when I was a child, now I am understanding why our parents tried to tell us to enjoy our childhood while it lasted. We are all in such a hurry to grow up, which don't get me wrong has it's blessings but they were so right! Gone are the days of not having to worry about bills to pay and gone are the days of Summer vacation (bummer).

Speaking of Summer, June was a big month for us. We were one month away from our second anniversary and I can't tell you for sure what happened, but it was like someone flipped a switch. I WAS READY!! I felt peace in our decision to stop BC and to start TTC. On June 28th, I started my cycle and by July 26th J's Birthday I was able to surprise him with the news of being a Daddy! J. doesn't like to make a big fuss about his Birthday, but this year was a real treat! When he opened his card and saw the test inside the envelope, he quickly looked up at me with possibly the biggest grin I have ever seen on his face (aside from our wedding of course) and asked if this was real :)

When I got back to work that day, I called BOGA to schedule my first OB appt! By my LMP, they decided to schedule me to come in on September 1st marking my 8th week. I am not sure about other women, but the second I found out we were pregnant I wanted to be seen :) I know that there is nothing to see that early on, but that didn't stop me from thinking about it anyway!

Thankfully, J. and I had planned a vacation to Las Vegas earlier in the year for August so that was a nice distraction leading up to September. We flew out of the Bellingham airport for a four night, five day break from life and to celebrate our new addition taking up room inside my tummy. The second our plane touched down, we could already feel the sun warming up the plane. Jordan was like a child going to Disneyland for the first time, he couldn't wait to get off the plane and go lay out by the pool. I of course was drained and feeling a bit irritable from the obnoxious Bachelorette and Stag groups that shared our plane who decided they would turn the aisle into a dance floor. Thank you Allegiant Flight Attendants for promoting their behavior, don't you know I am pregnant and could snap at any minute?! ;)

The next few days went by way too quickly; but we enjoyed the strip, the sun, the food, the pool and daily naps as much as we could. The last day of our trip, we decided to pack up all of our things and check them with the front desk so we could go enjoy the pool one last time before catching a shuttle to the airport. My goodness is that Nevada sun hot, so hot that I decided to take some home with me (in the form of a sunburn of course)!

The day had finally arrived, September 1st! The word was out to our friends and family and everyone was so excited for our big day. I had invited my Mom to join along, because lets face it I couldn't imagine her not being there with me even though I am an adult! So we waited and waited to be seen, then I was taken back separately for some "counseling" since I was a new patient. Then I met "The Doctor". I will not mention her name here, but if any of you reading this need to go to BOGA I am warning you now steer clear from the new doctor. After the initial paperwork was completed, it was time to see Baby Williams....

The nurse had me undress for an exam and then they brought in J. and my Mom. I don't think anyone would disagree with me here, but that wand is no fun. So as she is getting it situated, I can see the concern in her face. She continues to move it around for what seems like an hour and I can feel my stomach start to churn as when all bad news is immanent. She looks at me and says that the Yolk Sack isn't measuring with my dates and asked if I could be off. Since I knew the exact day of my LMP, I knew that there must be a problem. She then finished with the wand and had me sit up. She explained that she wanted to have my HCG levels tested, but that she wasn't hopeful. She said that the baby wasn't developing like it should be and the outcome would probably result in a miscarriage. "Miscarriage", the worst word in an expectant mothers world! After the appointment, I went over to have my labs drawn and then I was to repeat them two days later to see if the levels were increasing.

I can't even put into words the pain I was feeling at that moment. It was literally like someone stuck a big needle in a hot hair balloon that you were high up in the air in. I wasn't in any condition to go back to work that day, so I went home and cried and cried and cried. Looking back, I feel selfish for letting this day control the rest of my emotions for the next few months to come, but I am also thankful that I have such an amazing man who cheered me on everyday and brought the smile back to my life. I truly couldn't have done that without J. I will be forever in debt for his kindness and compassion that he displayed not only during those difficult times, but that he shows me on a daily basis. I love you J. you make me want to be a better person!

So a few days later, I get a call from "The Doctor" and she nonchalantly tells me that my levels don't look good and that I have two three choices; 1) let my body miscarry on its own 2) take a pill to "expel the contents" < I am not exaggerating, that is what she said or 3) have an operation called a D&C performed which is basically the surgical removal of the pregnancy. I opted for the pill because it seemed the better of the three evils. So that day after work, I picked up the pills and started them that evening. After a bout of cramping and some cycle type symptoms, I was scheduled to see "The Doctor" again for a follow-up. She performed another U/S and to my surprise, the pills hadn't really done their job. She then gave me the option to try another higher dose or to go ahead and schedule a D&C. The thought of "surgery" wasn't desirable, so I decided once again to go with the pills. Again after a few days, nothing was happening and I was then scheduled for surgery.

Surgery went just like planned and I was told by my Surgeon Dr. Mallory that we shouldn't get discouraged. He explained that theoretically 1 in 4 pregnancies result in miscarriage and that there is nothing a woman can do to prevent then from happening. He then recommended that we wait at least one full cycle before TTC again and sent us on our way. October 18th, 6 weeks later to the day I had my first cycle post surgery. Now we put our trust in the Lord that He will once again bless us with a little one. Until that day though, we will continue to pray and love on each other and look forward to once again sharing with ya'll that we're expecting!

<3 The Williams